Trump having his own Twitter account, YouTubers making rap diss tracks, Starbucks creating the unicorn frappuccino; 2017 was the year of the unnecessary and the questionable. Atop this heap of needlessness, was the collection of terrible films that unfortunately found their way onto our cinema screens last year. Among them were a series of piss-poor sequels and reboots that should have never seen the light of day. Sadly they did, and so I’ve compiled a list of those I’m unlikely to forget anytime soon.
1. Going in Style
Sitting pretty at the top of this list is Zach Braff’s Going in Style. This limp and lifeless remake of the 1979 original, starred Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Alan Arkin as three retired seniors who hatch a plan to rob a bank after their pensions are dissolved and they’re left penniless. Based on this description, you might think it sounds like a half decent comedy; rest assured it wasn’t. It was a car crash of a film, so poorly written and directed; that it deserves of all the Razzie awards it’s certain to be nominated for. The script was a mish-mash of the cheesiest lines known to man and the directing was bland and unoriginal. What possessed two greats like Freeman and Caine to sign onto such a humourless comedy is baffling.
In the same way some things are better left unsaid, some films are better left unmade; Baywatch being one of them. This craptastic film adaptation starred Hollywood’s most famous six packs, Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron, yet even they couldn’t have saved this film from drowning under the wave of criticism it received. From pre to post-production, the whole thing was a shambles. The casting choice was questionable, the camerawork was shocking and the editing was all over the place. It was like a big budget A-Level short film. To add insult to injury, the script too was embarrassingly juvenile. How many penis jokes can you fit into one script? Baywatch scriptwriting duo Damian Shannon and Mark Swift proved the answer is far too many. The jokes weren’t just an insult to my intelligence, but to mankind’s. The only positive thing regarding this film is that it ended.
3. The Mummy
If there’s one film franchise that didn’t need resurrecting last year, it was the Mummy. But what do I know? Apparently more than the folks at Universal Pictures, who somehow convinced themselves back in 2012 that a Mummy reboot was a must. When their plan finally came to fruition last summer, it came as no surprise that the film was not a must, but rather a never. As in, never do that again. It was a clunky, action-filled mess that underperformed massively despite Universal’s announcement that the film was to be part of the monstrous Dark Universe film series. The announcement did more damage than good. Not only did it excite few but it also felt gimmicky, as though trying to ride MCU’s coat tails. In the end, it was a giant box office disappointment. Some would call it karma for having created a film so awful in the first place.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise hasn’t been the same since Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom gracefully bowed out after At Worlds End in 2007. When the twosome returned for the newest instalment Dead Men Tell No Tales there was hope that the franchise could dust itself off and try again, after falling flat on its face with the 2011 sequel Stranger Tides. In the six years between the release of POTC4 and 5, the only thing that changed was, wait for it, absolutely nothing. Dead Men Tell No Tales was the same old rubbish just with a different title. It was two hours of watching Johnny Depp drunkenly stumble around making near unintelligible sexist ‘jokes’, while evading capture from an angry captain who wanted nothing more than to see him dead and buried. SPOLIER ALERT. I wish Captain Salavar had succeeded; although he too was just as irksome as Jack. Hearing Javier Bardem who played Salazar, coo ‘Jack Sparrow’ in a thick Spanish accent while a horrid, black liquid spilled out his mouth and then trickled down his chin, is a sight and sound I’m in no hurry to witness again.
5. Fate of the Furious
Fast and Furious 8- or whichever one of its many other titles you may it know it as: F8, The Fate of The Furious, Fast 8- hit our cinema screens back in April. If only I could have bat it away. F8 was yet another lazy addition to the already tired franchise. It featured nothing more than the usual scantily clad female extras, alpha male vs. alpha male showdowns, and car races and chases that defied the laws of physics. Admittedly it was a strong improvement on F7 which saw The Rock break out his arm cast by flexing his biceps, and Dom and Brian drive their car through Abu Dhabi skyscrapers; but the F8 script is unforgiveable. Vin Diesel says the line ‘the problem with putting your foot on a tiger’s neck is you can never let it up’ with such sincerity that perhaps the car jumping scene was less painful to watch. Unfortunately for me, F8 alone made more money than Jay Z and Beyoncé’s net worth combined so this is without a doubt not the last I will see of the Toretto’s and their posse.
Do you guys agree with my list?